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Mobile Register
August 20, 1994

A WEEK'S WORTH

Mud, blood and French cuisine

The week rolled in as the curtain rang down at Woodstock, where capitalism and primeval ooze converged: $135 for an entrance ticket, $3 for a paper cup full of commemorative mud. Carlos the Jackal, world's most-wanted terrorist, began enjoying French cuisine on the house while Paul Hill, alleged minor American killer, pleaded innocent and supped on righteousness in Pensacola. It was reported that the Massachusetts Division of Medical Assistance spent almost $50,000 in 1993 on fertility drugs, some of which were given to two welfare mothers who already had eight children each. In Chicago, a lawsuit filed by a woman against a mortgage company marked its 15th year without coming to trial, this despite nine trial dates and more than 530 motions and orders. Joe Camel and the Marlboro Man began competing on billboards for the attention of the judgment-impaired. Roger Altman, Bill Clinton's indispensable man on Whitewater, quit without a whimper from the Slickster. The condom for women, packaged with two pages of instructions and 11 diagrams, went on sale. The U.N. announced it will warn Haitian dictators within the next few weeks that they should leave pretty soon or else the United States will probably invade, sometime, maybe next month. A decade after the report "A Nation at Risk" documented that America's secondary schools contain more dumbbells than Gold's Gym, a follow-up study finds kids of all ages spending more time in front of the tube and less time reading; the Department of Education suspects a correlation. A poll found that 4 percent of Americans believe the Jackson-Presley marriage will last forever; 41 percent give it less than a year; 9 percent "just don't care." Count me in, and have a nice weekend.

DAVID THOMASSON

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